Ok so it’s no secret that the past few month’s I’ve been really, really struggling with my anxiety especially when it comes to my career. I feel like I’m not making enough progress fast enough, and when I make any kind of mistake the work I do is taken away from me (and has been, my entire career) with limited explanation as to why, and what I can do to improve.

There’s plans ‘put in place’ to ‘support me’ but then these never truly happen as they should and I feel like the onus is completely on me, when it should be a shared responsibility and it’s actually dragging me down and making me feel so much worse, which in turn is slowing down my progress.

And so this year I decided that Continuous Professional Development in its traditional sense, by completing online learning, has to stop. I in fact, need to develop myself mentally and physically so I can then push through into my professional life.

In comes: 1) Running and 2) Seeing a Professional About My Mental Wellbeing

Running is as it goes, a form of escapism and a way for me to be outside and exist and prove to myself I can do the difficult thing, while I also feel good about myself because I’m raising money while I do so.

It’s the Seeing a Professional About My Mental Wellbeing that’s the difficult part.

I sent an online form to my GP to speak to someone, but I feel like our Mental Health Practitioner no longer works there as I was ‘triaged’ and forwarded onto Norfolk and Waveney Mind for an appointment – both of which myself and the counsellor were a bit bewildered by because usually the first appointment is to speak to your GP or surgery’s Mental Health Practitioner, but alas.

I had an hour long chat with a lovely lady, and she pointed me in the direction of a few resources and places I could go for further support but really the only thing she could do for me at this stage was to refer me back to my GP.

What a hassle.

But actually, being able to speak to someone and know that the stress I’m under across various aspects of my life is actually valid was quite relieving and I know I’ll feel somewhat better when I can process the appointment itself later on.

I just need to start feeling better soon. She did suggest medication, which I am happy to consider, if it means I can start progressing without feeling like I’m going to throw up or cry or sweat everywhere. It would also be nice to be able to talk to someone, and look them in the eye while I do so. Or have difficult conversations at work or outside of work, and not feel like I’ve completely messed up or that everyone hates me, and that the only reason I haven’t been made redundant from this role is that if I do so, my employer’s entire company has to restructure because then he can’t offer my services.

The pressure I’m under is unbelievable and it was nice to have that validated.

Just wish I had more people to talk to in my real life.

I’m going to push forward with seeing someone at my doctors’ surgery and hopefully make some progress. Please.